Well, what can I say, just finished the final draft of the divorce decree (hopefully). Just when I think we have agreed, we disagree once again.
I never thought that my life would come to a pile of dollars and cents, but that is what it has all boiled down to. Not 25 years of my life, given in loving through sickness, hurts, sprains, stitches, loss of fingers, financial loss, emotional loss,,,, and yet gained so much in those years also, a life of great young people passing through our lives but for a moment, the lessons learned, the love and true blessings we gained from them, the strength and peace that God has given us through out all those years, The most beautiful daughter in all the world, full of life, love and joy for all she knows. In no way could I have ever imagined the joy and sorrow she would bring to my life. As I watch her sleep I wonder what did I do to deserve the pleasure of having this special child in my life? It doesn't matter really. Just knowing that God has truly trusted me with her existance is more than I can fathom.
Then our sisters, brothers, our in-laws, and nieces and nephews,,, I feel priveliged to be a part of the bigger scheme of things.
I am thankful for all the memories, the laughter, watching them all grow from sweet innocent babies, to beautiful, responsible adults, and now watching all their babies bloom into wonderful, sweet, bubbly, bouncy creations, to go out and take the love of this big beautiful family with them to share with others.
These are not things I take lightly, I don't want to loose anyone, I want to be a part, to be included in the big picture all of their lives, not to be cut short by someone elses bad choices. How do I maintain that,, How do I walk in forgiveness,,,How do I take control of a bad situation and see that it turns out good, not only for me, but for my family also??
How do I not love this person, How do I release them from my heart, my soul, my total being, whom I have truly loved and trusted with my body and soul for over 3/4 of my lifetime? How do I trust again? How do I love again? How do I not hurt others as I have been?
Pity Party, no, Just real questions from my heart.
Fortunately, I do know who has the answer, because His eye is on the Sparrow, and I know he watches me. I will listen, I will watch, I will pray, I will try to be still and know that He is truly my God, my Provider, my Savoir, my Banner, my Favor, my Peace, and my Strength.
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I must say this. YOU ARE LOVED by all of the children, youth, young adults turned into parents through the years that you have been in thier lives. Even when you tell them what they need to know and not what they wanted you to tell them, you still have thier love and respect. Of course, that comes after they realize you are right and they get over thierselves.
I guess one way to look at it is to know that life is there for us to live as best we can, but not really to be understood. I am thankful that our saving grace is that we will not be judged by what others have done to us, but how we handle what they have done to us. You are doing one bang up job at handling everything in your life right now. I am proud of you babygirl! You can walk with your head held high.
xoxoxo
"C"
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